Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Randomize