I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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