If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
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