I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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