Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
