Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Randomize
