Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Randomize
