I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
