so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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