Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
