Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
