So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
