Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I enjoy the company of your penis
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
