I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
