3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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