It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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