im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
