Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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