i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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