If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
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