Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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