Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Randomize
