i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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