She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My breath smells like gin and sadness
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
