my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
