I think I died a long time ago.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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