I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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