I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
