You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
