You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
