Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Come on in and take your pants off
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