I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
