Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
