i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
