Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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