My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
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