every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
