see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Randomize
