I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
