the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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