Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I got inside last night via doggy door
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
