paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
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Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
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We had sex on a dog bed..
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
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