I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
