I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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