I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
