I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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