u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
