I'm so fucking centered right now
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
