I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
