mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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