***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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