My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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