im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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