He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
