All I know is that if italians start TIME TRAVELLING were all in a lot of trouble paizon
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
