so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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